Updates!

I’ve wanted to blog, but a lot of stuff has come up that has either kept me busy or kept me away from any computers!  There were a few “status updates” that I’ve been wanting to keep tabs on for the last couple of months, and those had me checking the computer every hour for a good two weeks until I set a limit on myself and resolved to impose a self ban on computer usage.  Then, Mom took a spill and after knee surgery and a brief hospital stay, I spend a few days a week just chilling with her.  She’s pretty darn self sufficient (Geez, I’m not like that at all!)  but I think she enjoys the company, and it’s nice for me to have someone to hang out with before work.  Evenings gets to be quite lonely.

Plus, some things are best just kept in a personal journal so as not to offend or maybe hinder my bank account.  I’m pretty sure only my close friends follow this, and you all know what I’ve been striving for this past year almost!  Oh, exciting!  But, just in case, I like to take a few precautions.

So, updates!

1.  Two of the three statuses I was checking replied favorably!  I’m so thrilled, this whole new life has opened up before me, and the dreams are just starting to pour in!  I’ll let everyone know as soon as the top candidate is figured out!

2.  Interestingly, that sounds like I’m back in the online dating arena……….

3.  Things with the ol’ betes have been running pretty smoothly.  New changes such as:

• Wearing my pump while exercising in my new tummytote (brought to you by tallygear.com) has helped tremendously to avoid post exercise blood sugar excursions (fancy shmancy term for ups and downs of the glucose levels). I feel kind of awkward since it won’t tighten enough and sometimes it looks like I’ve got a rectangular tumor (it’s not a too-ma!), but eventually I’ll get some new velcro sewn on).
• Increased my dawn phenomenon battling basals between 1am and 5am.  I am sleeping so much better now.
• And then, most days I’m really stellar at eating balanced meals every four hours.  Protein at each meal, good fats, veggies and fruits….stuff like that.

Life is really starting to look up again, and I’m so excited (dancing in the streets, in the kitchen, even in the morning when I hop out of bed excited!) to see how things progress.  I feel calmer and more centered, and none of that would have been possible without friends and family.  And maybe some wine, a bit of yoga, and a great therapist.

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That’s not say I’m without my meltdowns.  This weekend I ripped a site out when I was trying on clothes, and it just flipped a switch in me.  I drove like Mario Andretti (ok, maybe not really) to get home, every bit of me on the attack against the diabetes.  I was so mad that I had to drive home, change my site, take 30 minutes out of MY DAY to fix something that I see as so ridiculous.  It’s like I am totally cool with the whole thing, until the diabetes puts a cramp in my schedule with a ripped out site, or a bad site, or killer low or high sugars. Then all the anger comes out.  I’m unsure if I want to pursue working to truly rid myself of that anger.  I think so long as I’m not harming my self (or seriously driving the streets like a mad person) then letting this wrath out at these times may be good.  I know how to calm myself down.  I’ve got people I can call (thanks for the help with this one, Dad!)  I just wish sometimes there was a real thing I could yell at instead of my stupid pancreas.

 

 

 

Busy Busy Busy

I realized the other day that I may not have really talked too much about what I’ve been working on at the JDRF office.  Some of you may be surprised to learn that I’m not the hugest fan of sitting in front of a computer all day, given my job title (see: the CT in CT tech stands for computed tomography).  So, that’s my paltry excuse for not sitting down and “writing”.

Once I set up the Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003329906939) and sent out emails to some contacts given to me by Jenn from the JDRF office, I was in a bit of a holding pattern.  I hadn’t received too much feedback,  wasn’t really sure how to progress with the effort, and honestly, was beginning to feel a bit pessimistic as only a true Syracuse native can be about trying to get excitement generated about something. Then, things started moving.  I got an idea to post flyers at local endo offices with our email address to try to reach more people, and then the same day heard from Jenn about another Type 1.  And this one had friends.  I sent Gabriella an email, and we traded our diabetic stories.  We agreed to meet for lunch at the end of the week.

So here I am, 29 years old, for the first time meeting another Type 1 in my hometown to talk about diabetes.  I’m not sure who was more nervous.  Gab is a well-versed diabetic, and can tell you anything about any diabetic medical device out on the market, and a lot about what’s on the horizon.  She may also have been aware long before I was of the DOC.  During our conversation I started thinking that this girl may be the one to construct this posting I wanted to put up in offices.  I mean, she was showing me a video she’d assembled in less than 30 minutes about herself and her diabetes!  I don’t even know how to do that hyperlink thing without typing in an address!

Luckily, she eagerly agreed and within a week I had something to send to offices.  Right now, my CDE (certified diabetic educator) at Joslin is asking if she can post the flyer at the office, and a local Type 1 medical sales rep is taking copies with him on his office visits.  Did I mention the sales guy said it looked great?  Yeah, Gabriella and I are impressive. 

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As for other parts of the Meghan-world, I’m awaiting to hear from “The Three” as those in the know know to whom or what I’m referring.  I’ve gotten a nose ring (see: https://twitter.com/mEGhAn_615/statuses/162270387323936768 for photo).  And my attitude about putting in time on the ol’ ship (the USS HighProvince) has been improving, which I mark as a personal triumph that I’m sure my boss and fellow employees have been waiting eagerly to see.  How are you liking the coded phrases listed above?  Sometimes I can have fun with how elusive I need to be at this stage in my life.  Those wait-and-see times are tricky seas to sail, but this time around I’m more at ease.

Panic Lows

Last week I scheduled myself for a looooong overdue acupuncture treatment.  I know that the season changes can send me into a bit of a tailspin, but we had an extended Fall here in Syracuse,  and  just started getting snow this past week, so I was acting super-confident about my awesome and Zen outlook on life.

Ya mm-hmmm, about that.  I was waking up in the middle of the night again with some panicky lows.  My emotions were running the gamut between completely over the moon about things, and then into a complete envelope of  ennui. And there was a little meltdown at work; and by little I mean I was hyperventilating and crying in my boss’s office.

So, I went for needles.  I’ve seen Debra Lee for around 4 years now, and she is the BEST!  Very down to earth, so encouraging of making real world choices about how to adapt for whatever is currently upsetting your rhythm.  She doesn’t expect you to go on some crazy diet, or take a ton of  herbs; in fact, she is all about incorporating many alternative medicines to make a plan that works for you.  This time we talked in particular about finding ways to meditate, even during a hectic day.  Debra herself had begun trying different methods, like simply counting  breaths, or repeating a happy memory in her mind.  That’s a key, right there; repeating a happy moment to yourself can remind you that you have experienced that before, that you will again, and that feelings are only temporary.

That’s hard to remember when your blood sugar is low.  Many times my emotions run high when I’m low (hahaha) and I start thinking people are being mean, so I lash out at them.  Or I think that I don’t want to do something because it won’t be any fun, or the person with whom I’m going won’t have fun hanging out with me, since I’m such a loser and all.  Often I  overreact to a comment. It’s at these moments where I really dig in my heels,  and even though I’ve treated with tabs or juice, I keep doing the dishes or going on the elliptical (ellipticalling?  what do you do on an elliptical?).  I keep grocery shopping, cleaning, and even try to carry on at work (because, hello! I’m working, they’re depending on me.)  I even continue driving, if it’s just me in the car, and the low’s not “too bad”.  Low blood glucose is pretty detrimental to judgement, since glucose is what fuels the brain. So, here’s my challenge: I’m going to see if I can get my poor, sugar-deprived brain to remember to count my breaths during these moments.

And maybe, someday soon,  I’ll actually sit down and wait it all out.

Self-image

Did you know

The word resolution comes from resolvere which means to loosen or dissolve again …

An email came my way with this little tidbit of knowledge tagged at the end.  The article was mostly about women making New Year’s resolutions to better their diet.  I also received a blog post today about a study saying that most women do not exercise as much as is recommended, and that of the women who do hit that target, their intensity level isn’t high enough.

I’m only somewhat aware of how ridiculous my next statement is:  I read these things and think that I am in that bad group.  The group that doesn’t work out hard enough, or the group that eats too much or too many of the unhealthy things.

I Feel Bad About My Neck, a book by Nora Ephron, always makes me chuckle, albeit, nervously,  because I feel bad about my neck!  (And my stomach.  And my chin.  And my infusion sites. And sometimes even about my callused fingers.)  I just can’t believe that it doesn’t automatically end! That there are still women in their later years (not really sure how old Ephron is) who worry about how their bodies look.

And I think being a diabetic, or having any sort of chronic disease, is hard on someone’s ego.  It’s difficult to take pride in a body that has failed you, that continues to fail you, and that can interfere with what you (your soul, your inner-being, what-say-you) wants to do.  Today I went to the gym with 80% health motivation and 20% beauty motivation, and I went low.  And treated too late.  I thought I was good to go, though, and popped into Barnes and Noble to get a book.  I ran into a friend of a friend, so I chatted with him a bit, and then waited on line to pay.  By the time I got home, I barely had the mental capacity to climb up the stairs, and once I got to my “treehouse” I was ready to puke.  44.  I’d probably been that low for an hour.  To reverse that, I ate an apple and a bowl of minestrone when I wasn’t hungry.  Just like yesterday, I had 4 juice boxes  because the lows just wouldn’t go away.  I’ve changed my site, I’ve lowered my basals, but no.  My body is just different today.  I can’t trust it.  So how can you love something you don’t trust?

I will love it.  I love the me that resides in this body.  And just like I’ve learned to give my innerself a break, to realize that it doesn’t need to have control over everything, that not everything is my responsibility, I can learn to give my body a break.  I can learn to loosen up my demands on my physical self.

postage

I know I’ve been really bad about posting, lately. I could say that I’ve had holiday brain. That would be a lie because the weekend before Thanksgiving, when my mother said, Really it’s next week. That makes sense. I thought she was telling the truth.  I’ve been completely oblivious to time lately.  Luckily, I have made it on time to work every day!

Part of why I haven’t posted is that I’ve been so busy with my school applications.  I took some time off from work early this month, and, drum roll please……………………I finally finished uploading my resume and writing my personal statements.  So I’m good to go.  As soon as I work up the nerve to hit e-submit.   I do want to find one more school to substitute in for Chapel Hill since I’ve decided to not apply there.  Not to mention, it’s a huge chunk of change, and the bills have been large lately.  My goal is to send everything off by January 10th.

Another part of why I haven’t posted was that the diabetes was getting ANNOYING!  I ran into a few weeks of falling back on my midnight snacking routine, so sleep was either coma-like, yet unrestful, or I was up every couple of hours ping-ponging between highs and lows.  And waking up anywhere outside of that nice 80 to 140 range just makes it hard to have stellar “control” the rest of the day.  Then I had my period, and even though it’s caused massive lows for the two past cycles, the last time was a game changer and sent me high high HIGH! Somewhere around that time, my pump also failed which I took a trip to the ER for, because my sugars just wouldn’t budge out of the 220s unless I took massive boluses and I thought it was just because of stress.  Nope, the ol’ mechanics in the pump were slowing down the rate at which it was infusing.  When I got my replacement, I definitely heard the difference in the winding sound, and the numbers returned to normal(-ish).

But -ish wasn’t where I wanted to be.  And the wild, unpredictable swings around my period were driving me crazy on top of the hormonal crazy (on top of the usual crazy?)  and I said “Enough is enough!” (I was in my car heading to this awesome Florence and the Machine concert with my date, George Clooney.  And he said “I grog.”  True story!)

Anyway, I got myself back on the evil birth control pills.  And if it screws up my uterus and I have trouble having kids in the future, I don’t even care.  Because that’s a worst case scenario thing, and it’s better for me to be happy and healthy now!  So that’s helped even out the sugar seas around my period.  I also finished reading Ginger Vieira’s book, Your Diabetes Science Experiment, which gave me some phenomenal insight into diabetes and exercise management.  She also gave me some concrete answers to the protein conundrum (anything over 20g of protein I have a little calculation for) and she suggested adding in half units to cover heavy on the fat meals.  It’s a great book, and well worth the money and time to read!

Another thing I’ve been doing for a couple weeks now is a new eating plan.  This is not, I repeat, NOT a diet in the “I want to loose weight and look as thin as movie stars!”-fashion.  This is a conscious decision to be more mindful of putting good foods into my body.  And to eat every four or five hours to keep my system humming along.  I got the idea from a book at the library that I just happened upon when I was looking for recipe books, and it’s called The Flat Belly Diet.  It’s published by Prevention magazine, and one of the writers is a nutritionist who has her Masters in Public Health (how about that!).  I feel great.  I have more energy.  I’m sleeping better.  And the sugar ship is  sailing smoothly!  Not to mention, all that nasty belly bloat is gone and I feel attractive again.  I highly recommend this book, with it’s realistic menus, great recipes, quick solutions for snacks and even dining out tips!  I just added one rule:  allow yourself treats.  Right now I’m working on limiting treats to three times a week, but I hope to get to two after the holidays.

So there you have it.  The last few weeks in a nutshell.

Oh!  I almost forgot!  I’ve been asked by the JDRF to set up a support group for adult Type 1s in the area.  I’m really excited, and a bit nervous, because this is something I’ve wanted for a while, and now that I’m in charge of making it happen…….  Well!  I hope it goes well and I can get some real interest to make it a regular occurrence!

What a weird dream

I had a dream last night where I was giving advice to another woman, but I think it was really meant for me. I can’t remember much about the woman’s situation but I know she was unhappy and worrying over a new undertaking.  I said to her “You can’t think like that because then you’ll bind yourself into this certain way of thinking, and you’ll become controlling. Which will lead to anger because you can’t control yourself or the world and then you’ll lash out at people, or you won’t sleep well.  You won’t be your normal fun self to be around or you may over eat. You’ll find some  way to overcompensate for the lack of control that you’re feeling.  You just need to let things happen and handle them as the person you are, because you will naturally be good at handling the situation.”

So weird.  But I knew I had to share this, and write this down.  I grabbed my laptop, and am sitting in bed listening to the rain drops and that’s the only thing I could tell you about the outside world right now. 

Connections

In October, I started volunteering at the local JDRF office.  For those of you unfamiliar, this is what has been known as the Juvenile Diabetes Research Fund.  It’s been a great experience so far, helping an organization that is attempting to find a cure.  I’ve never been very hopeful about the possibility of being rid of this disease, and because of that I’ve built up a lot of anger and resentment towards anyone or anything that has said their may be a cure.  Through my sessions with Trish, she has said it’s alright to say that in my lifetime there is not likely to be a cure, but to be a part of something working towards that research has the potential to bring about new treatments for me. And I can definitely be on board with that thinking.  Not to mention, it’s nice to be around some positive thinking with respect to diabetes!

This week, the JDRF director, Lucienne, sat down with me to ask if I would be interested in a support group.  In her words, the JDRF has finally caught up to the idea that the children diagnosed with juvenile diabetes are growing up.

*Really?  That happens?!

So, they’re changing their campaign to focus on all of us with this disease, and their new slogan is “Improving Lives. Curing Type 1 Diabetes.”   Because of this, Lucienne and some of the board members who have Type 1 themselves would like to set up an adults with Type 1 meeting, just to see if something can get started.  This is pretty exciting news for me, as it’s something I’ve wanted for a while now. ( I’ve tried asking at my doctor’s office, but the only group was for Type 2s.)  Lucienne had me talk more with the secretary, Jen, who is going to send my contact information to a few of the others so we can start brainstorming.  Jen was surprised to hear that I didn’t know any other Type 1s in the area, and she seems to be making it her mission to introduce me to a few.  In fact, on Monday, she’s having a few of us to the office to work together on a project.